"Lancashire Hot Pot Loves Welsh Rarebit" by Ryan Thomas (Short Story)

Genre:  Adult Humor

Type of Short Story:  Short Story

Summary:  Jake Tempest, an unknown and slightly unhinged indie author with an unhealthy passion for military weapons and a tenuous grip on reality falls for up-and-coming Welsh writer Morwenna Midnight when they meet via an online writers' forum.

Fantasy turns to obsession when he sees the garden gnome on the cover of her soon-to-be-published novel as his only rival for her affections. Throw in a cruise missile, a handful of clay sheep, long-distance-lust, and things can only go one way - completely tits-up.

Excerpt:

Telephone conversation #2:

"Hi Doll."

"Err, Jake?"

"I just thought I'd call you for a chat."

Beep.

"I'm busy working on 'Ruminants and Rubber Gear', is this important?"

"No, not really."

Beep.

"Is that your phone making that beeping noise?"

No, it's my virtual pet."

Your virtual what?

Beep.

"My virtual pet, it needs feeding, hence the beeps."

"Where is it?"

"It's on a key ring thingy that hangs from a belt loop on my jeans."

Beep.

"And when did you last feed it?"

"About seventeen hours ago."

"Seventeen hours? That seems like a long time."

"Yeah, in twelve minutes it will croak."

Beep.

"What type of pet is it?"

"Hard to say really."

"Try."

"It's kind of a cross between an aardvark and a praying mantis."

Beep, beep.

"So it's a praying vark?"

"Not really, more of an aardantis."

"I should have known. What does it eat?"

"Hard to say really."

"Try."

Beep, beep.

"Well the display is only about forty millimetres across and the image is kinda pixelated but with my reading glasses on its food looks like a cross between a human testicle and a wing nut."

"That doesn't sound very nutritious."

"I think I've seen them in my local deli."

Beep, beep, beep.

Jake, how long before it croaks?"

"I'd say less than five minutes."

"And are you going to feed it?"

"I can feel my paternal instincts kicking in, so I probably will."

Beep, beep, beep.

"Does it normally take seventeen hours for your paternal instincts to kick in?"

"It varies, I'm not really a natural father."

"Quite. How long now?"

"About three minutes - ish."

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

"Jake, I'm hanging up, feed that bloody thing now."

Morwenna puts the receiver down. She rests her face in the palms of her hands and considers that if Jake was her virtual pet she would do the humane thing - and let him starve to death.

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